Ghosts of Mars- a Quick Review 10.9.02

Believe me when I tell you that John Carpenter's movie, Ghosts of Mars, is high comedy.

Set on a cheap soundstage with cheap dialogue and chinatown's best smoke bombs, Natasha Henstridge teams with Ice Cube (here known as Desolation Williams) to fight with ghostly Martians who take over the bodies of Mars' toughest incarcarees. That would be the incarcerated. I don't have to use real words.

The Martians, played by the remaining members of the LA Guns, Faster Pussycat, Hanoi Rocks, and Motley Crue, after they attended the Gwar/ Tomahawk show out in Tuscon, throw sharpened dinner knives at people's necks and tap on metal walls with plastic swords. Mick Mars grew some size to play the Martian leader, with lines like raaagh. And Grrrargh. Plus Rrgh? Aarrrgh!

Through the fan-blown smoke and through the red flood lights, through the backdrop-- of which they could only afford to paint ten-fifteen feet and then show the same bit of painted landscape-- the two stars fight some unforgettably weak alien individuals who, by the way, have easy access to the Ricky's outlet on Mars.

Though Ms. Henstridge wears conveniently fashionable tight baby blue sweaters, and though for some reason we get to see her stand up in some athletically form-fitting underwear; and though Ice Cube gets to sneer and look people up and down; and though the movie includes Duane Davis (Alvin Mack from the Program, among other movies), I have one more gripe.

Cube doesn't even get any.

How am I supposed to live vicariously through him??

Even Ben Affleck gets to call his mate Matt Damon and his brother Casey and tell them, I got J-Lo in the cah, and I'm off to tap that ahss.

John Carpenter, why did you make this movie? Do you hate people this much?

ps, I'm still working on ideas.