Toronto Panic 04.24.03

Major league baseball asks its players to be careful in Toronto; fears of a SARS outbreak has them skittish. Some of the suggestions to players visiting the Blue Jays in the Skydome include:

* Do not lick the bathroom stalls in the local hospital, even if it is part of your good luck routine.

* When confronted with large crowds of people trying to take your picture or touch you or otherwise be a fan, punch one firmly in the nose. Stand over them and let everyone know you are willing to punch more people.

* Do not go into the stands for a beer between innings. Even if Molson is more golden delicious than that Miller Genuine Draft or Bud Light swill in the American ballparks.

* There are rumors of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the CN Tower. Pull it down and cheer, for Canada now is free!

* Do not see the hookers. We mean it this time.

* If a ground ball comes at you in the Skydome, jump out of the way and wave your hands like a terrified toddler.

* Beat Ken Huckaby. He hurt Derek Je-tah's sacred shoulder.

* In the case of a player contracting SARS, they will be traded to said Blue Jays; the rumor that the Blue Jays are sending the virus airborne through the vents when the Yankees are in town is unsubstantiated.